As we mentioned in the beginning for some people, not really having friends is just fine, but were not talking about loners and hermits here Were talking about a married man whose only social connection is his wife and thats a recipe for all kinds of trouble. The man needs to compromise. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. Defend his social time to others. Why does my wife nag me constantly to go out with other couples and to parties?. If Jane wants to spend time with her friends, Joe either comes along (not an ideal scenario for Jane, who needs to enjoy her freedom and connect with people other than Joe to feel fulfilled), or he stays home by himself (which he does not enjoy he wants to be with Jane). Embarrassing your spouse will help them see their flaws. If you are married to someone antisocial, instead of working on changing your spouses behaviour, it might be more constructive to work on the way you perceive your spouse instead or, as you say, look for social situations in which your spouse would be comfortable. My wifes career improved (which I am sure was because of the focus of her life shifting) and that helped her feel better about herself, which I think was one of the reasons she was engaging in destructive behaviour. Are more likely to engage in physical. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. Unfortunately, though, this isnt a Hollywood romantic comedy, and a husband without his own social circle can lead to some problems in real life marriages. We have watched you go to family functions and wander outside or check your phone as we feel embarassed that our guests feel they are being ignored. Its tough, I know if I am honest shed rather be out chugging beers with her friends or hanging out with them and their husbands than me. 'My husband doesn't love me. Relationships are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a business. He's online but doesn't talk to you. He might come to an event for an hour to pick me up if I didnt drive. You might think, Im a good husband and father, I dont cheat, Im not mean or abusive, and Im a good provider financially. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed. 7. This isnt to say that you shouldnt be spending time together, of course, just that when theres a serious imbalance in your respective social lives, problems are bound to follow. Heaven forbid you two had children living with you as well because then your attention would be divided more than just two ways, and he'd have to share you with your children as well. He is also very smart and finds most conversations boring. I married HER. A lack of mutual respect. I worry that this will become a far greater issue when we are retired, and we find ourselves at home together all the time. Be true to who you are and understand that its okay to not want to leave your house or compound. 1 They Minimize Your Feelings A partner is minimizing your feelings when they say stuff like "omg, that isn't a big deal" or "you're getting way too upset over this." "They should be validating. Shell spend money on stuff she doesnt need then cry when she cant pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. Along with life's many other stressors, couples all too often withdraw into . I see all these ridiculous advice columns always telling women to slowly get your husband out there or figure out what he doesnt like. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. What I cannot cope with are the rude, stupid, obnoxious pieces of shit that bother me and then call me a snob when they are horrible to contend with. I completely agree Phil. Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. Its something each and every one of us has to deal with. Also, maybe they could choose the restauranta sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. I follow him and do my best effort, but he is so friendly and open that I feel uncomfortable and people compare and assume I am bitchy and antisocial. Your email address will not be published. Wed like to not be exposed to friends and family members who we dislike because you sure didnt shove those people on us back when we were dating either. I recently got dumped by a woman because I would only see her once a week. Men are visually stimulated, and they enjoy looking at attractive women. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. Today, were looking at 10 topics you and your spouse need to discuss, especially if youre newly married. All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. Just like the those days in school, though, friendships most often form around similar interests. Relationships with people who are truly antisocial are extremely abusive, and those who are truly antisocial do not possess the ability to truly love another person. Thats why I say both sides make good points. 2. My Husband Doesn't Post Pictures of Me on Social Media We've all seen the posts. I dont demand she does anything. Simply open up the conversation and make him aware of your feelings. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. All Jackie is doing is presenting what is going on on the other side too. In attempts to reduce or remove those painful feelings, many people will turn to manipulative and controlling behavior (sometimes unintentionally/unconsciously) to keep you close which usually also means away from your friends. I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressurelike he/she cant leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. Men should be good fathers, so we spend time with children. We had been married over 10 years and had 2 kids. Its essential that you have both your personal identity AND the an identity as a couple. Totally agree. If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you dont know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him: Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. Avoid overthinking. Or we go to see friends and you are ready to leave upon arrival. The truth is, you chose that person. If you want to party all the time and go out, marry that type of person. Encourage him to get help and facilitate itmeaning find a therapist, etc. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and leaving, but the disconnect could pave the way for that path in some cases. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. At the risk of generalising, I think this is true for a lot of introverts: we hate making small talk in big groups, but love having deep, intimate conversations with individuals or small groups. 2. Over the years I have tried going out without her, but then I would feel resentment when everyone else is with their significant other but me. I might just as well not be there. In my mind had kind of checked out of the relationship at that point and accepted Id be looking for someone else soon. All rights reserved. Wed like you not to nag us, because you sure didnt do that when we were dating. Hopefully, with hard work, he'll become more and . Mypartner is sending naked photos of herself to another man, Should I break up with my boyfriend before going to university, Anonline relationship is making me feel I'm cheating on my boyfriend. What difference does it make to him? He is selfish and deserves to be alone. For Hope, the reckoning that her spouse didn't feel the same way about her anymore came from the fact that she felt like she didn't know him anymore. Writing about her former. He makes disrespectful comments to your face and behind your back. Sometimes people just need time for themselves to catch their breath and others need to be understanding. I dont have enough minutes left on this earth to waste even ONE on small talk I dont care about. She tried to force a friendship. Well, the short answer is that it depends on how that person feels about it Some people are extremely introverted and dont much mind their mostly solo lifestyle, but it may also be a sign of other, deeper problems. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying My husband has no friends or hobbies,) you might not think this is a big problem. Sometimes people are just shitty people. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. I will politely excuse myself from such people and find ones I am a good fit for. Dont waste your time with women. When you're in a relationship, it's important that you and your partner respect each other even online, which is why these 15 social media behaviors are extremely inappropriate from your boyfriend. They may have given up on forming new connections with people, they may be afraid of opening themselves up to others, or even have painful memories of losing friends or alienating people in the past. Im worried we are at a bad crossing point. It was clear to me she cared more about her friends, and even their husbands, than me. Things we tell ourselves we will do to make the other person happy. OK, well youd like that back. Torn amidst the expectations of 1) society, 2) our spouse, 3) our kids and 3) the separate sexes the husbands social life is a lose-lose situation. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, We want different things. Therapy can be very helpful for these kinds of situations. By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. So I have never enjoyed large parties. We dont hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. However, despite appearances, I don't hate people. Time to move on and live life, not staying home and smelling their farts all evening. I worry that this will become a far greater issue when we are retired, and we find ourselves at home together all the time. Life is short. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. If there's a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk. Totally normal for her age. You see, that is the crux. I feel bad.. may b he is not wrong. I was also 15 years younger with more time and energy. He is very loving and committed - a home bird who is happy in his own company. I have no issue with visiting her family (also out of state) but she does not have much of a relationship with her family so it rarely comes up (twice her mom stopped talking to her for a year after a minor disagreement). Its very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. They MUST verbally and explicitly tell the husband to GTFO of the house and schedule time for him to do so. He's not even interested in showing or receiving affection. Wed like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. They are costly to all of the above. What is the current status of your marriage? Yes, change takes time, but consider his progress. I suggest you replace all references of antisocial with asocial in order to correct your article. And thats true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. In every marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. Hes been retired awhile and has hobbies but thats it! Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. However I do enjoy going out in smaller groups, with people I know well and like. HE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT. My soon to be ex wife is extroverted. Even for the people who act stoic and dont want any friends, there may be more at play under the surface. One thing to think about if your significant other doesn't like your friends is jealousy. What about the people who dont seem to have any friends at all? If I do that I come home and take a shower and go straight to bed because Im mentally exhausted to the point Im frazzled emotionally. Is Fighting In Front of The Kids Ever OK? I can only make small talk for so long before Im bored out of my mind. Should I pursue an affair with a man who just wants to be friends? Talk to him. Any attempt on your part to change this dynamic, however small or tentative, is immediately shut down. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don't listen to her, not the other way around. There is a HUGE difference between being antisocial and an introvert. What It Is Like To Fall In Love After 50? But theyre also the ones that create the drama that ruins relationships. What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. That is my issue. The last few trips I've made alone, simply making excuses for my husband. A woman took to social media to complain about her husband's habit of grading her food out of 10, claiming he orders a takeaway if he doesn't approve of her meal choice as he refuses to cook for . Personally, I was always willing to accommodate my wife and go out to parties with her. Six hours a day. If he or she wont change, it isnt because they dont want to change or because they dont care about you or love you, maybe they are just too scared or dont know how to change. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. He could be self-conscious about the way he looks or the way people may perceive him on social media. I have started to plan things with my single friends because of it. My My,, I read your comment and i felt m listening to my husband.. I hate being among large groups of people I dont know very well, and find making small talk very difficult. He didnt hear I love you and I want us. It can be the first sign of an abusive partner (And it doesn't matter whether the partner is male or female). I dont know what to do. Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. And theyre the ones most likely to end a relationship. It's important to accept that you can't change your spouse. My husband hates socialising Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers some words of wisdom on whatever is troubling you By Psychologies I've been married for nearly 20 years and my husband and I have two young children. The insecurities could stem from nearly anything, and each person is different, of course. Aug. 17, 2018. But I never enjoyed it, and for an introvert like me I dont believe thats something I could ever learn. Children first learn to play alongside each other then later on with each other. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . 14. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. I know he is hurt and has a hard time socializing but I feel equally hurt as I have had no indication from him that he understands how I feel. I want him to be the way he used to be. My 4yo has only just started really playing with rather than alongside but my 2yo is more sociable, probably also a first child/second child thing. They dont. Your email address will not be published. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. not threatening. Being able to talk openly and honestly with one another builds a foundation of trust, and sets expectations well before conflicting views or ideas lead to fights. Again, STAND YOUR GROUND men. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I dont really believe my introversion was her reasoning. I am sitting her laughing because Im a woman and I agree with you 100%! And might I add that watching tv with her is no picnic as she sits there and passes gas for hours and hours. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. I thought that was plenty, even too much. I always told her I do better in small groups with people I know well already, but she has always wanted to do things in large groups. If you havent read it, I highly recommend Susan Cains book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking for an insight into what it means to be introverted (she has an entire chapter on how to deal with the issues that arise when an introvert is in a relationship with an extrovert). Because thats what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed. Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. I want us to be happy. Your email address will not be published. We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. I mean that only as a question. My wife was obsessed about going out with another couple. 1. The nuances that comes with being an Introvert dont need to be fixed or changed. 3. Often I feel some women take care of everyone elses needs but forget about their own. I dont want him to be something he never was. Experts: Susan Winter, relationship . Ive been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there. Meanwhile, without me there, shed party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun. React Reply See 4 replies What Guys Said 21 Ever. Im checking out of this shit. Tell me what you want from me and I will do it. I am a divorced man who hates going out and cant stand dating. Non social or asocial is NOT antisocial aka psycopaths. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. My husband has no friends or hobbies is a statement I hear so often from unhappily married women and women who are thinking about getting divorced.They tell me that the spouse is antisocial, not interested in making plans with other couples, or going to parties or events. He doesn't miss you when you're gone, and he's indifferent to your absence. Tell him I would like it if you took my hand etc. We've occasionally joked about it; what we'd . For example, Phil, youre right in that your wife shouldve agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess Im tired of it. 9. I am an introvert myself and understand the pain of big crowds and the dislike for shallow small talk. Im so much happier single. Most people are not interested in the same things he is interested in. Same with me. An introvert in contrast is simply shy. You cannot change people. So true been doing it with my man for many years im done i wanna live and enjoy all my people not just his every couple years, always alone ! He's just not photogenic. What Is The #1 Issue Or Problem In Your Marriage? I know because mine would behave like that and often was unaware. Your husband doesn't want a partner, he wants a microwavesomething to heat up his dinner. My husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Simply put, your mother needs you, and your husband seems jealous that your time and energy aren't entirely for him. Chances are, whether or not the husband dislikes his wife's friends doesn't appear on your list. Wed like you to be 22 again too. He put a ring on my finger. I see a theme on all sites answering this question. But accommodating the needs of your partner cuts both ways. It was boring, and I didnt see the point of socializing with my wife if shed only spend less than a minute with me all night anyway. I cant recommend it enough. I am an introvert and still have social skills. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Passion in the bedroom isn't everything in a relationship, but it can explain a lot. Im a homebody and my wife always wants to go out, I feel I have a very good reason for not going out. There may be an underlying reason (we'll get to that), but the fact remains: You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. I want it to be like it was when we were a childless couple, with the benefit of having the kids in the morning.. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. All of these things can stack up, and make it very difficult to form friendships or even see the need to. He thinks and hopes there is a God, but doesn't desire a real relationship with Jesus. This is nothing to do with being anti-social, it means you have the *wrong* friends, and your husband finds them boring or worse. Do NOT mock your husband for doing so. Friends. Trust me, there is nothing wrong in being alone sometimes. Sometimes, it's completely accidental. Be strong and be authentic, and you will have a beautiful life ahead of you., - Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling. She always wants to go to her moms and gets mad when I suggest having some me time and meeting her there later. Modern relationships are completely broken and it never ends well for the man. Your partner is socially awkward, and it affects their one-on-one interactions with you. My husband wasnt a very extroverted person when we married, but he has become really social and extroverted 12 years later, and I continue to be introverted. Be miserable forever 2. Of course, you work. I dont care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe. But the truth is that part of being a good person and a (begrudging) part of a community yes, your building is a community is sucking it up sometimes and having a two minute conversation about someone's cat or kid or the weather. I enjoy small groups of people I trust, and its hard for me to make conversation. As a severely depressed man I should never have clicked on this article. I think more than half the problem is that I feel he doesnt have the sympathy I have for him. If not, you have another set of decisions to make. What suffers? I dont even use social media. This wont be a quick fix, but if your husbands lack of friends is a problem for your marriage, you can both take steps to address the root cause of the issues, address the importance of social relationships and individual identity, and make gradual progress on developing the friendships that will give him new identity and a social life all his own! Ugh. Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. Men hold themselves to a high standard of duty. When they say things like, You are being very quiet. Im an introvert no friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know Its all fake. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Now, assuming you can get past the why part of this problem, helping your spouse see that its important to be two fully developed individuals in the marriage (not detrimentally codependent), the challenge still remains: how can your husband make friends? I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. The words Jackie uses are almost verbatim with what I said to my ex, just add crying and pleading and the words Im afraid and chasm, etc. I dont know how much more I can take. 4. I hate feeling drained from social interaction. We compromised on me going and doing my own thing and in return, he would do his best to slowly get to know people I felt he would enjoy once he had enough exposure. I need to learn more about him and accept him for what he is.. he doesnt like being dressed up for occasion.. hardly talks to his family.. though he is good with his friends.. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $15 worth of junk food against doctors orders. 8. When your spouse is holding onto the belief that everything will work itself out naturally, you may have a difficult time getting them to participate in the discussion. She also starts going out with girlfriends. Want to read articles about divorce & dating? Do NOT judge in ANY way how he spends his social time. I had to withstand the looks of my friends who wondered what his behavior was about. If Im supposed to be different, and be super social, then she should have helped me do that, by joining the conversation rather than ditching me. We started to socialize with people more like us (middle aged with small kids), in smaller groups where we could talk more, no drunken dance parties. I dont want to stop caring. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. I have acquaintances that I see two or three times a year and thats all the socialization I need. You always seem to irritate him. Its sad. It's definitely a sign of a deeply insecure person, and that insecurity generally can't be fixed while they are actually in an active relationship. 8. You can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to do. She married a man who loved to socialize and dance every weekend and they had a wonderful marriage together until his death a few years ago. Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author. And I had no way of knowing that. A night out means a hangover. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. I used to have the same problem, but I solved it with a compromise. You Don't Feel Good About. 6. It was really toxic and didnt survive. Sitting here alone in Nashville because I did not know the plans my husband made with his friends. Ive never been the party type, not in the 14 years we have been together. Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. Men, if you dont want to do something DONT DO IT. I am on vacation too and do not feel the need to follow along like a puppy dog. So I stopped socializing with her, I went out and met new people and suddenly realized there were people out there that I found interesting, who found me interesting and who I actually liked and enjoyed being with. I have no problem going out. You dont have to please everyone. He promised before God and our families to be the best man he can be for me. But doesn & # x27 ; t love me no hobbies cant handle phoniness. His progress for so long before im bored out of the relationship at point... Hate you we still love you and your own reactions listening to husband... Given your level of discomfort on the other side too didnt drive simple tastes is so intellectually it... My wife and go out with another couple a home bird who is happy in his company. If youre newly married both your personal identity and the an identity as a severely man! Our relationship of Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Essentially... 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